ashley (stillinlove) wrote,

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Wow so, still just kinda mind-blown right now...
Last everyone heard, I was deeply in love and happier than anyone had ever known me. I'm still in love (oh god... wow worst unintentional pun ever), but no longer happy, really. A week and a half ago, I was in the best place of my life and everything was really looking up. I still had some problems, but everything was still great in the big picture. However, last Sunday through Wednesday, everything changed.
Sunday, Ben tried to go on a break with me, but we decided we couldn't do it. Monday, we decided to try it again, but the break only lasted 5 seconds before we knew how much we could never stand the idea of being apart. Tuesday, everything was absolutely wonderful and we were working everything out. Ben told me how much I meant to him and how lucky he was to have me, and I felt the same way. Then Wednesday, bam. He just completely broke up with me, and for some reason I never saw it coming. I cried for two days straight, but now I've improved to only crying every now and then.
I haven't eaten anything since Wednesday, and have only had slimfast, water, and tea to drink. Whenever I watch tv, I keep seeing couples in love on every channel and people being engaged to -- and I think it's all a big joke on me and that I'll wake up and it will all be over and back to normal. I don't know, all the reasons he keeps stating seem to make no sense to me, and I just don't know. It's just... way too strange to me. Even now I can't put it in to words.
I've been keeping a diary ever since Monday night or so, and I guess that helps a little bit but not enough. It'll never be enough. I'm just waiting for the time to pass. However long it takes. Maybe I shouldn't have fallen so much in love in my first relationship ever, but as naive as it may sound, I know he is the only one for me, ever. He always will be. That's just the way it is. Maybe everyone says that, but I know I mean it. I've known deep love and I know its scarcity.
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